LESSON I LEARNT FROM FIREWOOD

The dying days of General Sani Abacha’s government were such that I can never forget, there was scarcity of kerosene(which was the main cooking fuel of middle class Nigerians).And so, my family like many others was forced to cook with firewood.

My step mum used to rekindle the fire when it was going out as she alone had such expertise but as the scarcity persisted beyond the usual time, we were forced to
rotate this act amongst the children –including a boy like me- as she could not withstand the pangs of smoke for over 2 weeks again.

Anytime it was my turn, a substantial quantity of the little available kerosene would be used to rekindle the fire until there was the rationing of kerosene for ‘start up’ of the fire ONLY. And thus, you would have to fan with all your might to rekindle the fire.


Fanning in the smoke was nothing near an interesting experience as I would hold my breath till I got out of the smoke. Thus, a need to run out when the smoke increased so as to catch some breath. But unfortunately, there would be no fire and I would have to fan again.


One fateful day while fanning, I became angry within and told myself I would not stop until the fire was rekindled no matter how thick the smoke got. I held on to my decision and I made a discovery - a great lesson of my life.

I discovered that WHENEVER THE SMOKE GOT SO THICK AND UNBEARABLE, THE FIRE WAS JUST ABOUT TO KINDLE.


This I only got to know when I decided to endure the smoke a LITTLE MORE than usual .And then, I recalled the saying that ‘the darkest (NOT the dark nor the darker) part of the night is next to dawn’.




THE LESSON: When passing through a challenge, you must know that the point when you think it’s no more bearable only signifies that solution is closer than ever. You might be in that state now in any area of your life, the advice I’ll give you is to DECIDE NOT TO GIVE UP and the good news is: THE SOLUTION IS CLOSER THAN BEFORE, JUST A LITTLE PUSH.

By Kolajo Oladele

Oladele is an Engineer of repute. A Nigerian that witnessed the sad and very bitter end of the military era as a teenager. "Lesson I Learnt from Firewood" is one in a series that details his growing up years. Watch out for the series, every week on newsandmuse234. He is currently working on the e-book version of it.
'Dele is currently planning to start a family.

Maina the miner with the Manna

Once upon a time a village employed a miner named Maina to help mine the people's sweat that was frozen in a rock. What an easy job, miner got to work and in the twinkling of an eye had manna worth N200 billion in his kitty. Listening to Asa's song 'fire on the mountain' one early morning, Maina dashed for a safer clime to enjoy his loot.

So goes the story of Chairman of the Pension Reform Task Force Team, Abdulrasheed Maina who fled the country recently. But members of the House of Representatives, on Tuesday have joined forces with the Senate to ask for the sack of  Maina the miner with the Manna.

Speaker, Hon Aminu Tambuwal asked the Inspector General of Police, Mohammed Abubakar to produce Maina, to answer questions on how over N200 billion pension fund was allegedly mismanaged.

No one should blame the president or who in his right mind will be able to fight corruption or petty theft when his wife was dead for 7 days and had 9 surgeries in a month.

Maina is not the only one with the people's commonwealth, the  Managing Director of Shell Petroleum Development Company (SPDC) , Mr Mutiu Sunmonu, said in Abuja on Tuesday that Nigeria lost six  billion dollars yearly to crude oil theft. And two armed men on a motorbike, on Tuesday waylaid a man later discovered to be  the cashier of Makurdi local government council, carting away over N6million.

If anyone is thinking the petrol price will remain at N110 or N97, depending on what part of the Nigerian map you live, then such should think twice, because Dr Bright Okogu , Director-General, Budget Office of the Federation, said in Abuja on Tuesday that continued payment  by the Federal Government for  subsidy on  petroleum products was no longer sustainable.

"We need to re-address the issue of subsidy provision. The volume of money we are losing to subsidy payment is enormous. “The people benefiting from the subsidy provision are not the common man on the street,’’ Okogu said.

So, O ye common man, it's time for you to benefit from the national cake, just at N200 per litre of fuel (just joking, it wont be more than N187).

I know so many of you will never understand but Okogu has this for you “If you are in my shoes as director of budget, you would understand why we cannot continue to pay subsidy,’’.

For those who think they can arm-twist the government into legalising operations of illegal refineries, Jonah John said, it is a lie.

The last time the Federal  Government tried to quell a burning fire, a whole village was levelled and Odi almost became history but a High Court in Port Harcourt has ordered the FG to pay N37.6bn as compensation to victims of the military invasion of Odi community in Bayelsa State. The court ordered that a special damage of N17.6bn and a general damage of N20bn be paid to the community as compensation.

Even if the house is burning or there is robbery somewhere, he who is hungry will always say. So, what did you have for valentine? Chicken and roses? You are lucky! Not contented with the voice of the man who picked his lover's phone on Val, Makati decided to have a taste of her ears.

And if you belief all these are indices of a failed state, Doyin Okupe said, Nay! .

I was dead for 7 days - Patience Jonathan

The tale of dead Lazarus, resurrected after four days in the grave must have been one of the greatest miracle stories ever told, but now we know God can do greater things as Mrs Patience Jonathan said God raised her up after been dead for seven days at a German hospital!

It was a confession, testimony cum thanksgiving time at the state House chapel in Abuja, on Sunday as the first lady officially declared she was sick and at a German hospital.

Wife of the president Goodluck Jonathan, who earlier denied been sick despite been away for about three months confessed that she had 9 operations within a month during her stay at the hospital and thanked God for not sharing the fate of Stella Obasanjo who died while at the presidential villa.

“I remember when Chief  Obasanjo was the President of the country, I was close to his late wife, Stella. We worshiped together in this chapel.

“It was a painful moment for me that time when she died and her corpse was brought here.

“That was how my corpse would have been brought here. It was not an easy experience for me. I actually died, I passed out for more than a week. My intestine and tummy were opened.

“I am not Lazarus but my experience was similar to his. My doctors said all hope was lost.


“A black doctor in London who is with us in this service was flown in when the situation became critical. It was God himself in His infinite mercy  that said I will return to Nigeria. God woke me up after seven days.

“I know that some people somehow leaked the information that  I was dead.  They are people that I trust and rely on; to them, I was dead and I would never return to the country alive. Some of them even sold my things off.

“I won’t say everything here. It is the Lord’s doing that I returned alive. When God says yes, nobody can say no.

“People are always afraid of operation (surgery) but in my own case, while my travail lasted, I was begging for it (surgery) after the third operation because I was going to the theatre everyday.

“It was God who saw me through. I did eight or nine operations within one month. It was not an easy one.

NewsandMuse234 wishes the First Lady long life in good health (she's already prosperous).

Police arrest lovers for kidnapping teenager

Luck ran out on a 28-year old man and his girlfriend who allegedly kidnapped a teenage boy and demanded N2 million . The lover birds who were arrested by the Lagos state police kidnapped the boy in  their neighbourhood in Ikotun.

The Commissioner of Police in Lagos State, Umar Manko, who disclosed this to newsmen on Saturday said  that the suspects were arrested by the Special Anti -Robbery Squad (SARS).

He said SARS operatives rescued the 14-year old victim, Daniel Olumide, who was allegedly kidnapped on Feb. 2 at Ikotun.

It was gathered that the man allegedly kept the victim for two days in his girlfriend's apartment.

The police said the arrests followed a tip-off by a resident within the neighbourhood, who told the police that he saw the victim walking with the suspect before he was declared missing.

In a related development, SARS in Lagos State  on Sunday shot dead eight suspected armed robbers in a gun-battle, Manko said.

He said the police recovered a Toyota Camry, marked EPE 737AT, during SARS  one-week operation.

Manko said the vehicle was recovered within 24 hours after it was snatched from its owner and added that the police would not relent in fighting criminals and protecting lives and property.

He said the police acted on a tip-off and recovered the car from the hoodlums while they were operating between Sango and Ifo, Ogun, along the Lagos-Abeokuta expressway.

Valentine's Day Tragedy: Goldie is dead

Like most epic tales, 2013 Valentine's day ended in tragedy as Nigeria loses Goldie Harvey to the cold hands of death.

The 28 year old, originally Susan Harvey, reportedly passed out at Reddington Hospital, Victoria Island few hours after flying into the country from LA.

The artiste who is on Kennis Music record label was made more popular with Nigerians with her performance at the recently concluded Big Brother Star Game.
She had remained in the news for several of her projects and her alleged relationship with another star of the reality TV game show, Prezo.

Although News and Muse could not independently confirm Goldie's death immediately, sources close to the artiste confirmed her demise.

A message supposedly from her Facebook Admin and also through her Twitter handle @goldieharvey confirmed the celebrities death saying "It is with heavy heart that I have to inform you all that Goldie passed this night shortly after arriving Lagos from LA. May her soul rest in the eternal peace of the Lord – Admin!!”

Goldie was at the Grammy Award earlier in the week .

May her soul rest in peace.

A tale of Val

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Although I was a virgin at 21, my mind was already a book of porn. I've imagined all the ribald and horrid things I’d do to the first lady that entered the mouse trap that was my heart. Then came Valentine's day. A day filled with all opportunities to love and lie emotionally-legal lies. To love in truth or lie with all sincerity. Valentine's day is a day of shower on all love or lusts in drought. A day to live out some or most of your fantasies depending on resources, time and space. So, it was February 14^th that year and an opportunity for me to live my fantasies, tell all the lies and reap the fruits of lust thereof.

I have been dating this sweet girl for less than three months, we started our supposed love affair some weeks to Christmas and it survived through the harsh financial climates of January with a bright hope of Valentine. But time and space have denied us the opportunity to consummate raw emotions beyond casual hugs once in a while. And then came Valentine!

Several sleepless hours of midnight calls have secured the time and venue for the celebration of love. I saved all I had, starved myself and suffered my body with the consolation that all the pent up emotion in me would be relieved. I was prepared to give my angel the best in exchange for a rest for my throbbing nerves.

Nothing could be reassuring on a valentine day than a planned meeting in a lonely, private place; a friend's place, home alone or any other venue that ensure ambience for two. We agreed to a time out to an eatery in town, then a lovely time together at a friend's place. Since we were both in the university and living on campus, off campus was it!

I must have been prompted out of bed by lust but love took over as the day unfolded. I went to get a bouquet of roses and a superb hand-made card which came handy as Val approached. I felt like a prince in shining armour as I stepped out in my favourite outfit, doused in perfume headed for the eatery. My joy knew no bound when I saw my angel stepped out of the cab and cat-walked elegantly into the eatery and towards me with all eyes in the eatery on her. I felt on top of the world!

We had a great time eating, drinking and gisting, holding hands and laughing at silly jokes. We took a cab to my friend's place and the tale will never end as I live.

I let us in like the owner of the apartment, tastefully furnished for a student's lodge. We could barely hold ourselves as we got down kissing, hugging, cuddling and pulling our articles of clothings off. I was ready for my first experience into a woman, I wasn't sure it would be her first; bros no time!

We were both half naked when I had a rude knock on the door. I was startled but quickly collected myself as a “man”. I strolled to the door and asked who it was, before I could comprehend what the thick raging voices were saying the door was on my face. As the guys stepped into the room and saw my girl trying to fit herself into her tight-fitting jeans one of them turned to me and gave me a upper-cut and a heavy left just above my brow...I blacked out as flashes of all the colours that make Valentine's day gushed through my sight.

I didn't come to life until 3 hours after. I opened my eyes starring at a clinic wall with several posters pasted on each other. The bigger poster has been mutilated so it read in part “we treat but..” I asked myself “but what”?.

I later learnt that my angel was a sister to the kingpin of a very dreaded cult group on campus and he had been silent about our relationship until he was told I was laying his sister. He was the one that gave me the Mike Tyson cut on my brow. It was a very serious lesson that kept me a virgin until I graduated from the university.

Tales from Africa

Soaring Eagles; Galloping Stallions

Once upon a Nations Cup, several heroes gather for a fight of supremacy. Elephants with big names, Antelopes with sleek slim fighters, Stallions with muscles and resilience, Eagles with weary wings and outstanding flight history dated almost 20 years; and others. The Lions were missing in this contest.

The Eagles have been soaring slowly but steadily. They pecked the stallions once; they tore apart the Antelopes, and had an Elephant for lunch! Ahem! The Eagles finally came out of hibernation and became SUPER when they pierced the heart of a fellow Eagle (Les Aigles). They are heroes!

Have you heard of an African hero, built like a stallion? Every vein in him will put the horse to shame, his dyed dreads are fiery, his body movement is strong and swift, and he could run amidst locusts without bulging. He traversed the Black Starry night without fear. He leads a nation that has never prospered to the final of a battle; a battle for which his people has never dreamt. Valiant, gallant, brilliant... meet BANCE with the lance!!!

There is a threat to Bance’s dreams, hopes and exploit…the Stallions will have to battle Eagles. And on and on goes the tale from Africa

Against all odds

The odds were against the two finalists. The Super Eagles of Nigeria were tagged the underdog before the tournament began and no one in his right minds would give the Burkinabes any chance of qualifying from a group which had Nigeria and defending champions, Zambia. But the two defiled all odds.

The odds weren't of chance and probability. Most Nigerians believed that the odd was obviously against the country as the most populous-football-loving nation refused to pay the TV right to air the AFCON to households as it was its tradition. That's a pound of flesh for CAF worth about 2million pounds. So the insistence of the Federation on playing the nation on a bad pitch wasn't a big surprise.

Not all the odds are clearly against the two finalists. South Africa with bad pitches doesn't appear like the country that hosted the World cup barely two years ago. But that is one odd that is in favour of home-based players like Sunday Mba and a host of Burkinababes; playing on bad pitches is their forte.

Since Nigeria didn't pay for the TV right and it would be absurd and unsafe to find the President and his team at a viewing centre, President Goodluck Jonathan soared high with his wife to see the match aboard NAF.

Loyalty and Vanity

Loyalty simply implies that you don't bite the fingers that feed you. Mali was very loyal as they kept all their creativity and ambition under check while they watch the Super Eagles soar to the final. Or how do you justify the last minute dribbles of Fousseyni and Diawarra. With about 7 billion naira Nigeria oil money sunk into the Malian war, the Leis Eagles felt what does it profit a nation if it wins the Nation's cup and lose its borders to the rebels.

I remain loyal as the soaring Eagles pursue vanity with galloping Burkinabes on Sunday. I hope to give you live commentary from aboard NAF 02! 

Yinka Ojo

The graves and the burials

Graveyards will be empty if there are no burials. So, somehow, the NNPC has been able to bury N1.40 trillion between 2009 and 2011 in unmarked graves, the Nigeria Extractive Industries Transparency Initiative (NEITI) audit report shows.  The report showed how the NNPC bypassed the fuel importation regime specified payment rules, by paying itself from the domestic crude sales proceeds before remittance to the Federation Account.

Not only was the NNPC refusing to remit all monies into the Federation Account, but it also collect monies from other sources without remitting same. It may interest you that this is not the first burial the NNPC is accused of, no be today.

Angered by the decision of the court not to  investigate in which graveyard Yusufu buried 23.3 billion Naira he stole from the Nigeria Police Pension Board, hundreds of protesters descended on ministry of justice in Abuja onThursday. Although the pension thief has been re-arrested by the EFCC, the pensioners are conveyed in hearse to the graveyard one after the other. Truly, a worker's wage is in heaven.

Speaking of graves, the nation is busy either  with a burial or an exhumation of rotten bones. The latter was the case when “the wicked stepmother” Madam Due Process took Nigerians to the graveyard of about 10 trillion Naira buried by the GEJ government in less than 6 years. The government has been trying to deal with the stench flying in the air ever since.

Tired of stench, flying coffins and subsequent graveyards in Nigerian airports the Federal Government has decided to clear the plane graveyards. Workers at the international airport in Lagos are currently busy dismantling planes abandoned in an area called the "graveyard". You'll remember the 2005 plane crash? The company involved still have two of its aeroplanes rotting at the graveyard as it went into the darkness.

Darkness is one feature of the graveyard in this country. An American energy giant General Electric says it will bury $1 billion in Nigeria, promising to more than triple the country’s electrical output over the next 10 years.Let's hope the sting of death and the power of the grave will not prevail over our foreign friends.

Atiku Abubakar has said China is our genuine friend. I'm sure the Chinese are ready to reinforce the concrete on the graves of our dead and buried textile industries. 你是我的朋友怎么样？  

Maybe the demise of the industry made girls dress in skimpy clothes and walk the streets of Abuja almost naked at night. The FCT administration has decided to bury N5 billion into rehabilitating Abuja babes in mini skirts.

Not sure of the promise of naked virgin in the grave, some members of the dreaded Islamic sect defied the cease fire and sent some police officers to their grave in Gombe.

After months of scratching the grave and mourning the loss of $500, 000 Otedola bribe the EFCC has decided to charge Farook to court and bury the case once and for all.

So, have a nice day as we wait to be served the souvenir from the burial of subsidy payment, after all its all about graves and burials. Stay alive!

Lamentation of a patriot

Patriotism is simply an incurable disease. A patriot may be disappointed several times over by his country and vouch never to support such again, but again and again, he will do.

“Hello Yinka, where are you? Those guys broke my heart, indeed I'm very sad as I am”

“That stupid Musa guy actually displayed his ineptitude today. He doesn't know how to play anything.”

“I don't blame him sha. The sad thing is that Odemwengie and Obafemi will be feeling vindicated now”

"CAF surely have a thing against us, imagine that penalty they awarded Zambia. I know it's because we didn't pay that TV right. Very very ridiculous, 4 million pounds abi how much. Bunch of thieves!

"I pity Keshi too, if he mess up with this competition, he'll ruin the chances of any other local coach managing the Super Eagle"

Those were the words of my friend during a telephone conversation immediately after the Nigeria-Zambia match that ended 1-1.

He did not even give me enough time to respond to his emotional outpour. Realising that he needed a shoulder he could cry on, I just waited patiently at my end of the line.

I felt I should help him out of his mystery, so I tried to cut in ..

“but you shouldn't be that surprised now, you didn't actually expect them to do any better, do you?”

“Noooo, it's not as if I have high hopes on them, but you know something just keep telling me they could surprise me...(murmuring inaudibly as he dragged on his last word) Too bad, Olorun n gbo (hisses) too bad”

I thought of another way to end the call or digress from the topic. “Just go home now and meet your wife she must be angry by now. I'm sure you didn't inform her you'll be staying this late”

“See, this time I'm even more angry than anybody...ehn (pauses...hisses) guy the thing pain me gan ni o”. 

I could sense his anger and disappointment, I envisaged he'll throw tantrum at the slightest opportunity and prayed silently that his wife would be in a better mood than himself.

“I don't see us going out of the group stage 'cos those Ethiopians will beat us” he lamented.

“Isn't that better? At least it'll save us the agony of incessant pain and heartache like the one you are going through now” I suggested.

Then he quickly switch on his patriot alert.

"But who knows we may beat them o, you know if Burkina faso beat Ethiopia and we beat Ethiopia and Zambia draw or lose to Burkina Faso. Anyhow that's mere permutation"

 

The chat went on and on for about 9 minutes until he ran out of credit or network connection failed and I felt relived.

My friend wasn't the only patriotic Nigerian that the Eagles broke his heart. Patriotism is actually a disease!

Most Nigerians, before the start of the competition, were not optimistic of the Eagles putting up any fantastic performance at the Nation's Cup, yet they all trooped out in their millions to watch and support their country. All filled with a secret hope that the Super Eagles will spring a surprise. If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

I have read on twitter and other forum how bitter Nigerians are at the "almost" performance of the Eagles. Almost will never kill a bird.

 As is usual of us all, we will lament and lament and throw blames, point accusing fingers and vouch never to waste our money seeing the Eagles play again...but as is expected of a patriot we shall all be at various viewing centres to see the Eagles lose to the Ethiopians and continue the lamentation. 

It's Nigeria, that's what we do; we are patriots.

Dead goat, living goat

Asking questions may make one look foolish at first, but wise, once you get the right answers, so says my grandpa. It’s a world where we all think we know the answers so we don’t ask questions!

So, he told me this story. 

Seated outside with his grandson, an old man told the boy “do you know that a dead goat can devour more wraps of pap than a living one?”

No! The young lad interrupted rebelliously.  “Grandpa, you might have been right many times, but this time you are wrong, and I can go to any length to prove you wrong”

“You go get a dead goat, I’ll get a living and healthy goat and let’s see which of them can devour more pap”

Although not surprised at the boy’s enthusiasm the old man was taken aback by the boy’s resolve to challenge him. “So, what happens if you lose”? The geriatric asked.

“I’ll grant your wish to study in the village, I’ll quit the city” the boy promised.

“If you win, you’ll inherit everything I have both here and in the city” the old man staked.

In a while, the old man ordered that two goats be brought and four baskets of wrapped pap, each containing 40 pieces. 

The boy took one of the goats and place a basket filled with pap at its front. The hungry goat pounced on the basket, eating the pap frantically. As is usual of goats, it was attracted by all the pap in the basket that it didn’t finish on a wrap before moving to the other. In all, the goat ate 9 wraps of pap.

Although the boy was disappointed with the goat’s appetite, he consoled himself that a dead goat couldn’t do any better.

The old man ordered that the second goat be slaughtered and cooked. From the minute the goat was killed, people started gathering to know what the old man was celebrating. They all waited to have a taste of the goat. The old man ordered that the people be served with wraps of pap as they have a piece of the goat. With one piece, some people ate as much as three wraps of pap.

When those that have been to the farm came back, the goat meat had finished but they ate half basket of pap with the broth left. In all the people ate 5 baskets of pap with the goat meat.

The boy felt cheated and disappointed. “But it was not the goat that ate the pap but the people” he submitted in defence of himself.

“Would the people have gathered if they hadn’t seen the dead goat and would they have eaten the pap without the meat or its broth?” the old man questioned in reply.

“Just a simple question could have saved us all the pains and stress we’ve been through. Much more it would have kept you in the city” the old man winked. The boy sobs everyday on his way to the village school.

Have you ever wondered why we all seem to know the problems bedeviling Nigeria but have no real solutions to them? We are too ignorant and every time someone comes to us in the form of a politician, professor, activist or colleague with a purported solution to our problems, we don’t ask questions, rather we argue or simply keep quiet.

Have you ever been privilege to be where two Nigerians are arguing? They argue with all the strength in them, trying to create a superior argument. “Don’t tell me that” “See I don’t need anybody to tell me anything” “If you like kill yourself, you will not agree and I won’t too” “They are all the same thing” “This Nigeria can never get better”. I tend to hear this every time there is a discussion about Nigeria.

David Orr in his 1991 evergreen speech submitted that in most respect, the Germans were the best educated people on earth, but their education did not serve as a barrier to barbarity because their education emphasized answers instead of questions.

Ignorance is not a curable disease; education cannot cure it, only constant questioning can push forward the frontiers of knowledge. Little wonder Jesus said “ask and it shall be given unto you”.